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The Fallen - Ch.000 [Prologue]


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Author Topic: The Fallen - Ch.000 [Prologue]  (Read 249 times)
Tykor
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« on: October 19, 2010, 09:54:23 am »

The Fallen

Prologue  -  Best Laid Plans

The Director shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Seated around him in a ring of desks and chairs were seated several of his most trusted employees, all of whom waited for him to start speaking. Wondering where he should start, he decided to go with the first thing that sprang to mind:

“So,” he said “have you come up with a list of people who should be chosen for this project? You’ve had two months already.”

The man three seats to his left stood up and moved to the projector in the middle of the room, where there stood a computer. He typed something on the keyboard and the projector brought up an image of a man.

“We have narrowed the list down to four candidates. This man goes by the name of Tykor Wulfen. He is a 34 year old male and is a Sergeant for the Special Forces of our country. A hot-blooded Spaniard, he has been noted to experience murderous rage on the battlefield but has an impressive record of never losing a single man on a mission and has a zero civilian casualty rate. We believe he would be best suited as Team Leader for the group.”

Another image was showed, revealing a torrent of information on Tykor.

“He also happens to be a fully qualified pilot, mechanic and medic, which would help explain why there has never been a fatality under his command.”

The man typed something else onto the keyboard and another image popped up, this time of an attractive woman.

“This is Ayviel Rayne. A 21 year old Canadian female enlisted in our United States Army, she possesses quite fearsome strength and as such is a Heavy Weapons specialist. She is also a qualified Metallurgist, tank commander and has a very flirtatious nature, earning her the nickname of ‘Siren’.”

A man seated two chairs to the right stood up and moved to the computer, as the first moved back to his seat. He began typing afresh and brought up an image of a young man.

“Zack Hamata, 23 and Japanese. One of the highest ranking snipers in the world, he works freelance and is very soon going to take part in a sniper tournament in California.”

Another frantic type and a picture of a beautiful woman is revealed. The Director shifts in his seat again to get comfortable.

“Reann Snow, 27 and Arabian. Currently she is working for the CIA as an Intel gatherer and hacker. She has also been known to use her beauty to get information which would otherwise been unattainable.”

The Director clears his throat and reaches for a glass of water. After taking a gulp, he states what he thought.

“Isn’t somehow awfully convenient that the two females could come out first in a beauty contest? You do realize this is serious business and we’re not here to stare at attractive specimens?”

The man at the computer shifted uncomfortably, while a man at the opposite end of the table stood up.

“Yes sir, we do know this is serious work but it just happens to be chance that the two women are absolute babes.”

The Director nodded his head and motioned that the man in the centre should return to his seat.

“Well its set then, these four candidates will be part of the project Fallen. You have my permission and the authority of the President of the United States himself to bring them in, no matter what it takes.”

Someone cleared her throat and stood up.

“Director, we were thinking that, because of the fact that subject Reann has a very convincing nature, we could use her to bring in the subjects without arousing too much suspicion. We could then tell her to report back to a pre-set area and bring her in, saving us the trouble.”

The woman sat back down and the Director nodded in agreement, as did several others.

“Very well, we shall make use of… Reann’s unique talents to detain the subjects. One last thing: Failure will not be tolerated and will result in your removal. This meeting is adjourned.”
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The simplest explanation is that someone, somewhere, was being an absolute moron and would probably think that taking a sledgehammer to kill that one pesky mosquito would be an absolutely cracking idea.

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« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2010, 02:08:51 am »

<3 I'm loving it
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Humans are like Slinkys- not good for much, but amusing to push downstairs
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« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2010, 09:37:33 pm »

Ok, just to point something out before I start talking about your story, I printed off the three chapters and read them, so this reply is broad, across all three.

And I feel like bullet points today.

  • Great storyline, with mystery and you're not cutting it too short or making it too long
  • I've got one big main point which is, over the three chapters, you tend to flick back and forth from present and past tense. It's best to keep it in one tense because it generally sounds better when you read it. So perhaps you should go back through and keep it in past or present. I suggest putting it in past tense. Eg, she reached up and grabbed the jar, in contrary to she reaches up and grabs the jar.
  • When you write a story, especially one with no pictures, you're actually showing the reader a mini movie. Your story is really good that you can see people moving (in your mind of course), their reactions and the type of person they are. But when I read the story, I have a blank figure cruising along the highway. Does Reann have black hair, red hair, brown, blonde, multicoloured, etc. We know she's beautiful, but how.

Of course, this is only advice and you don't have to follow up with it. I really like it and I can't wait to read/watch more.
Keep it coming!!!!

Mollytime/Jennifer

P.S. if you don't like the advice, remember, you asked for feedback.   Grin
« Last Edit: October 22, 2010, 09:39:18 pm by mollytime » Report Spam   Report to moderator   Logged

elmo loves wasabi, that's why elmo has no eyelids[quoted by elmo]

say ha:HA! Say it again: HA!
Put it together and what have you got?:HA HA!
And they said I couldn't make you laugh...
[Quoted on Live For Peace]
Tykor
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« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2010, 01:09:17 am »

I know I asked for feedback, and I got it  Tongue

Anyway, the thing about me mixing up my tenses have been told to me a number of times, and I've been making more and more of an effort to not get them mixed up. And in the new version of the story, I'll be including more detailed descriptions of those involved from the beginning onwards.
So thanks for the advice and criticism, as I wouldn't be able to improve otherwise  Grin
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The simplest explanation is that someone, somewhere, was being an absolute moron and would probably think that taking a sledgehammer to kill that one pesky mosquito would be an absolutely cracking idea.
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« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2010, 01:23:58 am »

no problem. Tell me when you're ready for more.   Wink
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elmo loves wasabi, that's why elmo has no eyelids[quoted by elmo]

say ha:HA! Say it again: HA!
Put it together and what have you got?:HA HA!
And they said I couldn't make you laugh...
[Quoted on Live For Peace]

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February 26, 2017, 08:29:23 am piersdad says: found i have still admin on this page  sadly storydad has dissappeared  thank goodness some of my stories are still about
December 02, 2012, 11:20:41 am piersdad says: we have a lot of people  just posting  some thing  never related to writing  and then advertizing their site on their profile  if this gets out of hand we could go viral and get 40 a day of this sort of person spamming the site
May 17, 2012, 09:05:50 pm terrimcintyre says: How is your book doing, Jennifer? Did you see my review on Amazon?
May 31, 2011, 12:52:28 am Miss Magic says: thanks piersdad
May 30, 2011, 09:41:00 pm piersdad says: Oledakit is the cupprit and ip banned as well as the name
May 30, 2011, 09:39:24 pm piersdad says: removed heaps of spam this morning
January 25, 2011, 11:18:53 pm mollytime says: awwww.
so how many have we got now?
January 05, 2011, 04:24:06 pm Miss Magic says: Loss of members: I entered everyone's names into a listed spammer database due to suspicious joining. Sadly, those that I found with 3 or more hits on that site have been banned and removed from MM's Forum
December 13, 2010, 02:52:43 pm mollytime says: WHERE DID ALL THE SHOUTS GO??
I win.
December 13, 2010, 05:26:40 am Miss Magic says: wow!
I have a few more chapters of The New Beginning to put up in a few days Smiley I'm amazed at all the new members!
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