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1~The Magics-The story of an orphan

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Author Topic: 1~The Magics-The story of an orphan  (Read 378 times)
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mollytime
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« on: February 01, 2010, 02:05:30 am »

This counts as one of the five stories! It's a story inside of a story.

Same as always; tell me is you see any errors and be a critic. Thanks!

This story has been removed for publishing. We apologize for any inconvenience.

http://missmagicsforum.smfforfree.com/index.php/topic,98.0.html    
2~The Magics-The story of tear drops from a noble
« Last Edit: September 17, 2010, 03:18:08 am by mollytime » Report Spam   Report to moderator   Logged

elmo loves wasabi, that's why elmo has no eyelids[quoted by elmo]

say ha:HA! Say it again: HA!
Put it together and what have you got?:HA HA!
And they said I couldn't make you laugh...
[Quoted on Live For Peace]

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piersdad
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« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2010, 01:24:30 am »

running across roves (roofs) ??to get to it, and she looked around.
other small mistakes  cant find it now  like  lid instead of slid.
otherwise engaging story very good like it
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the impossible now miracles a little longer
mollytime
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« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2010, 01:52:33 am »

Where's the 'lid' part?
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elmo loves wasabi, that's why elmo has no eyelids[quoted by elmo]

say ha:HA! Say it again: HA!
Put it together and what have you got?:HA HA!
And they said I couldn't make you laugh...
[Quoted on Live For Peace]
piersdad
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« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2010, 03:02:33 am »

i think it was  on the roof top and he she slid into--- and it said he she   lid into
have to read the whole lot again to find it
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the impossible now miracles a little longer
piersdad
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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2010, 11:16:09 pm »

sent this first part  to a friend terri mcintyre and she send me this comments


    A girl ran through the market place quickly. (OMIT QUICKLY/REDUNDANT. "ran" implies quickness) She was being chased. And as she ran, her bare feet sliding on the wet cobblestones,(DID A PREVIOUS PART OF THE STORY INDICATE WHY THE COBBLESTONES ARE WET?) she heard the commotion of the men behind her become louder. (COBBLESTONES IMPLIES SHE'S NOW OUTSIDE? )
    She quickly ran past a cart, her arms reaching for another cart, and she leapt onto it as it started to move. Without looking back, she swung up onto a second story window, and clambered onto the roof. She slipped the first few steps as the men quickly ran into the house (WHAT HOUSE? MAYBE SAY "A HOUSE"), and then she was hurrying (HURRIED, OR BETTER SCAMPERED OR SCURRIED) across the rooftop, and leaping (LEAPED) onto another. A few tiles fell from beneath her and she clung onto the edge for a few seconds, before quickly climbing back up and running along, balancing herself with her arms as she walked across the tops.]


OVERALL:  TENSION IS GOOD AND ACTION IS LIVELY. IT KEEPS THE READER INVOLVED. IN THIS MUCH ACTION, SENTENCES NEED TO BE KEPT SHORT TO FIT QUICK MOVEMENT.  ACTIVE VERBS AS OPPOSED TO PASSIVE OR CONTINUOUS WITH THE INGS ARE MORE EFFECTIVE. NICE VISUALS ("BALANCING HERSELF WITH HER ARMS")

terri has just published a novel the first two chapters are here

 http://www.terrimcintyre.net/stronghold_excerpts.html

you can have a lend of the book  as she sent a copy to me
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piersdad
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« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2010, 10:35:09 pm »

terri mcintyre my friend writer from usa tried to join and for some reason could not post so here is her post about your story jennifer


Thank you for the welcome. I'm Terri from Arizona, USA, and I've known piersdad for many years through his storydad site. In fact, I think I may have commented on one of your stories a few years back. I just read half of your lovely orphan story and love its liveliness. You keep the action going and are very good at inserting little mysteries along the way that keep a reader engaged. I haven't figured out what the big mystery, or challenge, is yet, unless it is "What Will the Protagonist Do With the Magic Stone?" Ah, maybe that's it? I'll be reading more soon! Oh, and your writing site is excellent!

so got this via email to post here
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mollytime
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« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2010, 11:39:26 pm »

thank you very much, Terri. Will try and figure out what is wrong.
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elmo loves wasabi, that's why elmo has no eyelids[quoted by elmo]

say ha:HA! Say it again: HA!
Put it together and what have you got?:HA HA!
And they said I couldn't make you laugh...
[Quoted on Live For Peace]
terrimcintyre
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2010, 10:36:24 am »

Thanks, Mollytime, I'll see if this post works. I tried twice this morning (morning here) and kept getting those verification words which may be part of my posting problem. Thanks also, Piersdad, for sharing the chapters from Stronghold with Mollytime' readers. I appreciate it!
Terri
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"Give me room, lots of room under starry skies above....Don't fence me in."
terrimcintyre
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2010, 11:16:34 am »

Enjoyable story. This is Part 1, right? I'll look for Part 2 soon. When you get the complete story just the way you want it, here is a site where you can publish for free; you only pay for copies you buy: www.bookemon.com. I published a little story (The Book Pirates) there with my grandson's artwork. Check it out as an example. There are lots of examples in different categories.

Comment on "Orphan"--near the end where the Sister refers to Lucy as a "street rat." She probably wouldn't use that term out of respect; maybe she'd say "child of the street," or something like that.

I noticed a few typos which are easy to edit with Spellcheck.  I like the way you keep the story moving and use the technique of showing years have passed with just a few words.

I'll bet you are a Harry Potter fan. My daughter has read all the HP books.
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"Give me room, lots of room under starry skies above....Don't fence me in."
mollytime
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« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2010, 02:47:25 am »

just out of curiousity, how did you link it to HP?

And yes, down here in the 'mud hut country' (lol), we have about four bookshelves, all of which containt the HP series. We have all them, but it's a nightmare trying to find one. With four bookshelves? no way. Plus like twenty boxes in storage...
Thanks for the publishing website. Will look at it. Eventually. Lol!
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elmo loves wasabi, that's why elmo has no eyelids[quoted by elmo]

say ha:HA! Say it again: HA!
Put it together and what have you got?:HA HA!
And they said I couldn't make you laugh...
[Quoted on Live For Peace]

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February 26, 2017, 08:29:23 am piersdad says: found i have still admin on this page  sadly storydad has dissappeared  thank goodness some of my stories are still about
December 02, 2012, 11:20:41 am piersdad says: we have a lot of people  just posting  some thing  never related to writing  and then advertizing their site on their profile  if this gets out of hand we could go viral and get 40 a day of this sort of person spamming the site
May 17, 2012, 09:05:50 pm terrimcintyre says: How is your book doing, Jennifer? Did you see my review on Amazon?
May 31, 2011, 12:52:28 am Miss Magic says: thanks piersdad
May 30, 2011, 09:41:00 pm piersdad says: Oledakit is the cupprit and ip banned as well as the name
May 30, 2011, 09:39:24 pm piersdad says: removed heaps of spam this morning
January 25, 2011, 11:18:53 pm mollytime says: awwww.
so how many have we got now?
January 05, 2011, 04:24:06 pm Miss Magic says: Loss of members: I entered everyone's names into a listed spammer database due to suspicious joining. Sadly, those that I found with 3 or more hits on that site have been banned and removed from MM's Forum
December 13, 2010, 02:52:43 pm mollytime says: WHERE DID ALL THE SHOUTS GO??
I win.
December 13, 2010, 05:26:40 am Miss Magic says: wow!
I have a few more chapters of The New Beginning to put up in a few days Smiley I'm amazed at all the new members!
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